I love Brad Pitt with all of my heart, body, and soul. All of my being and everything that I am is in love with his chiseled jaw and washboard abs

but do you want to know what I love EVEN MORE than heart-throb ,do-it-machine Brad Pitt

Never having to see the movie Troy again for the rest of my life.

I have been dick-crazy obsessed with Brad Pitt ever since I bought Legends of the fall from the $5 DVD bin at Walmart last month. So, what have I been doing for the last 4 weeks?

buying every Brad Pitt movie that exists in our universe… including the epic shitfest: TROY

MAYBE if you are one of the many americans who suffers from a combination of blindness, deafness, and slight retardation- I recommend that you go to your local Blockbuster and rent Troy. ….otherwise save your seven dollars and do something equally entertaining .. such as changing all the lightbulbs in your house and waiting for them to burn out

I guess you can’t win them all.

But if you can sit through the 5 all star celebrities putting on phony english accents for the first 3 and 1/2 hours .. the sex scene is so hot it will make your nipples swell up and fall off.

Wake up!

IMPORTANT MESSAGE :

I was busted by the internet vagina picture feds. Apparently Lindsay Lohan’s poon is public domain but other celebrities don’t want their labia on my blog.

You can find More degraded sluts exposing themselves on my new blog.

This morning I give you three rare pigment sensations with exposed chichi’s and

the need for some black tar Heroine.

SHAMELESS CARROT-TOPPED HOOKERS.

Now that you have a rock-hard cock and you want to blow your load in just about anything that has a freckley back and a wet hole, I advice you to “take a mean caca in the company bathroom”

Just make sure not to skizz on the bathroom wall. People notice that shit and it makes them feel strange and uncomfortable.

On the other hand, a splatter of your semen on the wall would take the heat off the chubby guy in accounting who puts his poop-poop paper in the waste basket instead of in the toilet.

It’s your call.

-Belafonte

Quantum Creep

 

BAKULA: HOT PIECE or 50 YEAR OLD MAN THAT ONLY I AM ATTRACTED TO?

Here’s the thing, Scott Bakula deserves to be talked about at least once every 7 months . Sure, Quantum leap was over about 8 years ago and none of the actors have really done anything but fat lines of blow and low-budget made-for-TV movies since the series cancelation in 1996

BUT HEY, he’s Dr. Sam Beckett

and no one is bumpable like Dr. Sam Beckett .

He’s the kind of guy who would slip his hand around your neck and caress the soft spot behind your ear before looking at you as if to say, ” you are so fucking beautiful that looking at you makes me feel like our souls are dancing together in an ocean of love and chocolate”

Now, I am not completely sure which Learn to love your Partner instructional VHS this screen shot came from. All I can infer is that Dr. Sam Beckett is sensual and also hairier than any  generic, deadly half-man half-monster creature.

 

I will say that I saw  the BAK once at the Madrid on Sherman Way which is the kind of theater where the florescent marquee has 4 bulbs  burnt out and the ticket counter is jam-packed with hateful sickly looking he/shes that wear too much black eyeliner. 

My girlfriend and I were celebrating our 3 month anniversary by taking in  the sexually-charged, nazi song and dance spectacular:

CABARET.

Bakula was sitting in the lobby with 4 elitist boogers talking about how flat the singers were and how,” it was just so awful to sit through that wretched rendition of blablablablabla something else pretentious”  This experience made me decide that Scott Bakula is less of a 90’s babe and more of a washed up 2004 Snobberson McCock.

 

But just to put it out there…

I would blow his 50 year old dong.

  

---

BRB is an acronym for ” Be right back”…. and I will

GONE FISHIN’

BE BACK ON THE MOST MISERABLE AND DISAPPOINTING DAY OF THE WEEK:

MONDAY

or as I like to call it, ” The Day after copious amounts of alcohol, 4 visits to Denny’s, and 7 or 8 regrettable decisions”

and yes,

that text message you sent to your ex -girlfriend was THAT desperate and humiliating

see jew soon

- Belafonte

It’s the weekend, you deserve some young perky tatas.

I know you’ve been jonesin’ for areolas since 10:30 this morning. Well don’t worry we’ve got a ton of celebrity sweater meat on display for you here at LeaveittoBeaver.

Feast your eyes on these melons.

If you look closely you can pinpoint the second that these women lose their self-respect.

Now it’s time to eat something that has a shit-ton of gravy on it and watch my stories, punkin.

“I’m gonna rape you at 3 o’clock. Be there”

Celebrity Lesbian Wedding Announcement #2

Everytime a lesbosaurus gets married an Angel gets a pair of Birkenstock sandles and 4 earth tone polo shirts.

-Belafonte

Am I Dead of Alive?

Hello stranger, I am Dom Delouise.

I had a principle role in the animated feature All Dogs Go to Heaven. Nobody knows if I have ever worked on anything else in my entire life. I clearly have high cholesterol as well as advanced diabetes due to my 700 pound face and body. No man woman or child has heard my name out loud in over 2 decades.

So I pose the question, ” Am I gambling away my last $4 leftover from a lifetime movie I did in 1996 or am I pushing up daisies in a Van Nuys Cemetary?”

GET UP STAND UP when you’re done with those dorritos

Attention: Men and women with extremely baggy pants, glow in the dark attire, and “a really AWESOME hand made piece from Cabo”

Get out your zig zags and turn on the black light.

It’s time to trip out.

Can you pass the Acid Test?

Survey Says

MILEY CYRUS makes me want to….

a

a) vomit for the rest of forever

b) smile and laugh while i buy her albums and have dance parties

c) drink until i am drunk enough to forget that Miley Cyrus is a person that exists in my reality

I know she is 15 and I know that she has unfortunate teeth but she also has about 7 million dollars and the power to make 3 year olds enjoy wearing  tube tops. This poll is the first step towards getting a unanimous vote that will inevitabley lead to her demise. So come on guys. Let’s extinguish the Hannah Montana Flame before I  get my tubes tied for fear of her influence on my future daughters and flamboyantly gay sons.

make your decision wisely.

Wake Up!

What’s a Friday morning without a few bitches who would blow the town hobo for just one lick of the resin in his crackpipe?

Please enjoy yourself and take a look at some modern day sword swallowers.

I bought weed from a pornstar once. I thought she harvested corn and squash because she had clumps of mudd and grass painted onto her legs.

“Oh no!” she said ” Nothing like that. I was just doing a scene in the hills at Chatsworth park where I had to kneel down next to an oak tree and get my asshole banged out by two black men”

She then showed me and Lance 6 pictures of her getting humped with a strap on and said, ” Which one looks best? I don’t want to the wrong one up on my site and look stupid“